i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
