News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
