i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
