Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
