perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
