I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
