we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
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