i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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