she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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