I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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