I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
She's the barista slut.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
