Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
