So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
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