Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
