i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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