I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
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