woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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