Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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