The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
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