He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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