Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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