someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
