I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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