I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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