It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
