just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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