Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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