Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
