He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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