i jhust puked up my retainher.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
