You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
