And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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