just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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