I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
