Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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