my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize