Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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