My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
