my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
