Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
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