What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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