Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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