I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
