My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Dicks are not precious.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
