it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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