i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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