Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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