4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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