Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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