the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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