well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
