I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
