I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
