I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
