life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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