The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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