There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Randomize
