either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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